Support the (French) Troops:

With chants of "quatre mor années" (“four more years”) echoing through the Place de la Concorde, French President Jacques Chirac shouted joyfully to his supporters: " Merci, merci" and accepted his recent election victory as vindication of his decision to invade the US, remove the American President George W. Bush from power, and rid the US of weapons of mass destruction.

Chirac was easily re-elected on his successful prosecution of France’s “war on terror,” his campaign prohibiting "girlie men" and "manly girls" from marrying, and his restoration of moral values to France by closing all nude beaches and banning unisex bathrooms.

Jacques Chirac resoundingly defeated a decorated veteran of France's Vietnam War by disparaging his opponent as "La femme masseuse" and lampooning him for looking and sounding "American."

Chirac campaigned tirelessly across France, wearing his trademark beret. He was often seen “chowing down” barbequed frog’s legs, enjoying escargot on the "half shell," and washing down both with a mug of fine French Bordeaux. "This Bordeaux’s for you," he would declare, to the delight of his proud supporters in the South of France.

Chirac often ridiculed his opponent, suggesting he was a "Lyon Liberal” who ate Big Macs topped with Yellow "Freedom" Cheese. "A little Apple Pie with that Burger,” Chirac would suggest mockingly to his adversary.

With the campaign and election behind him, Chirac is now free to concentrate on his war on terror and spend his newly earned political capital.

At the acceptance speech, Chirac praised the liberation of the US and declared: “We need to fight the terrorists over there so we don't have to fight them over here.” France, he said, is a safer country, now that the former president of the United States, George W. Bush, has been brought to justice.

George W. Bush, you'll recall, was captured near his ranch outside Crawford, Texas, back in December 2003. Dazed and confused, the former US president and nemesis of Chirac and previous French administrations, was pulled out of a spider hole, long-haired, unshaven and begging for mercy.

Chirac invaded the US thereafter, insisting that the US possessed weapons of mass destruction, with reminders that America had invaded its neighbors (Panama and Grenada) and was known to have had links to dangerous, illegitimate regimes, such as that of Saddam Hussein's Iraq during the Reagan administration.

Since launching “Operation American Freedom” in March of 2003, no banned weapons have been found in the US and links to terrorist regimes have proven unsubstantiated.

Over 1,200 French soldiers have now been killed during Operation American Freedom, and nearly 10,000 wounded. While American casualties have not been disclosed, estimates state that over 100,000 American civilians and insurgents have been killed since France attacked the US in March 2003.

At his victory speech in Paris, Chirac was joined by the newly appointed interim American president, the Reverend Jesse L. Jackson.

Jackson was installed by the French as Interim President of the recently liberated US in a transfer of sovereignty on June 28, 2004. It is not clear whether Jackson will run in January 2005, when American elections are to take place. No other candidates have been announced for the January 2005 election, and with the growing American insurgency, the election is not assured.

Interim President Jackson, addressing Chirac’s supporters in French with a heavy Baptist Minister’s accent, praised Chirac for liberating the US and removing the tyrant, George W Bush, from power.

“The courage and wisdom of Jacques Chirac has made America free from the tyranny of the evildoer and tyrant, George W. Bush," said appointed US President Jackson.

Then, switching back to English, the former Baptist Minister chanted, “Keep out the Bushes, keep out the Bushes,” to the delight of the Parisians.

The US, he declared, had been "liberated" by France in order to bring "democracy" to America and remove the brutal tyrant, George W. Bush, who had violated UN resolutions, possessed illegal weapons and invaded other countries, noted Jackson.

“We must fight alongside the French to remove the rebels, insurgents, terrorists and racists from American cities. All "patriotic Americans" who love freedom must fight with our French allies and rid American cities of insurgents who seek to undermine ’free and fair elections’ in the new America,” Jackson declared.

All along the "Dixie Triangle," Jackson has not been recognized as the legitimate US President, but rather viewed as a "French puppet." Most white conservative Christians, especially in the “Dixie Triangle,” despise Jackson and call him a traitor and collaborator.

After Jackson’s fiery speech, Jacques Chirac took back the microphone to announce the successful pacification of insurgents in several US cities, insurgents who had been aided by foreign terrorists from the bordering countries of Canada and Mexico.

Jacques Chirac proclaimed, “We will kill or capture these Canadian and Mexican foreign terrorists who attack French troops and undermine the government of President Jackson. These Canadians and Mexicans are foreigners and have no legitimacy in the US,” he added.

He specifically mentioned “Mexican-born” mastermind “Houdini” Zarqawi as an illegal alien who is instigating the American insurgency. Every day, French Mirage Jets are bombing suspected "safe houses," inflicting heavy casualties on American insurgents loyal to Zarqawi. Innocent American civilians usually bear the brunt of these bombings, and Zarqawi escapes more often than Harry Houdini.

Referring to the insurgents and foreign-born terrorists as Bush holdovers, remnants and freedom-hating evildoers, Chirac insisted they will not prevent the elections from taking place in January, and he believes that the situation in the US is improving. “We are successfully ’Americanizing’ the war in America,” said Chirac

Chirac has overwhelming support from the French people for his unshakable resolve in France's war on terror.

Proud Frenchmen enthusiastically show their support and patriotism by buying Chinese-made yellow ribbon decals reading "Soutenir les Troupes" (“Support the troops”), proudly affixing them beside their “red, white and blue” French flags on the back of their gas guzzling SUVs.

“Vive la France” and “Keep Hope Alive,” concluded Presidents Chirac and Jackson, respectively.

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