Good evening ladies and gentlemen,

I would to like express my deepest apologies to my fellow citizens of the world, for the mistakes I made as President of the United States.

I regret to publicly admit that I am not competent to be President and have such awesome power and responsibility. Had my father and grandfather not achieved such prominence and good fortune, I would most likely have been an average guy with an average intellect, one with a mortgage, college tuition payments and the same hopes, dreams and problems of most people in the world community.

I must now reluctantly admit that it was mistake to run for President, and I am not up to the task of being the Chief Executive of this great nation. I never studied foreign affairs or economics, and freely admit that I love baseball more than government.

However I arrived at this position, I now realize I am incapable of being President. I relied on people whom I trusted to give me advice on matters I knew little or nothing about. The treachery of those people, coupled with my inexperience and lack of enthusiasm for a job I truly don't enjoy, lead to mistakes and decisions that I deeply regret.

Yes, I was warned in the summer of 2001 that Al-Qaeda might attack the United States. I did not know the term “Al-Qaeda,” nor did I understand the seriousness of the threat. Perhaps my advisors – whom I trusted – could have counseled me. But I accept responsibility for my apathy and my errors. After 9/11, I had no idea who the culprits were but was told they were in Afghanistan and that I needed to attack. I wondered to myself back then how people in caves without electricity could learn to fly 767s. Nevertheless, someone had to pay a price and be attacked. There is a time for love and a time for hate; this was a time for hate.

I regret the thousands of lives that were lost in Afghanistan, and I will not try to rationalize innocent civilians dying in retaliation for 9/11.

I had my mistaken suspicions that Saddam Hussein, that brutal dictator, had his bloody hands in the attacks of 9/11. I wish I understood more about the history of the Middle East and the government of Iraq – perhaps I would have known that Iraq was even less culpable than its allies Egypt or Saudi Arabia, for example. I now know the mastermind of this dreadful plot on 9/11 was an Egyptian rather than an Iraqi, and that 15 of the attackers were from Saudi Arabia.

I was deceived and lied to by a circle of people whom I trusted to give me advice. Knowing nothing about international affairs, I was easily manipulated and believed that Iraq was a mortal threat who possessed grotesque weapons and could kill millions of Americans, given the chance. I honestly believed this and felt it was my responsibility to protect America. I did not attack Iraq for oil, Israel, money, on behalf of my daddy, or to free Iraqis from Saddam. I attacked because I mistakenly believed that we were in imminent danger of another terrorist attack. I botched 9/11, and did not want to make the same mistake again.

My lack of understanding – and the treachery of those whom I trusted – have made America hated throughout the world. I made some terrible mistakes and miscalculations and caused untold suffering to thousands, perhaps millions of innocent people. I should never have run for President, a job which I clearly was not capable of handling, any more than if I were asked to remove one's tonsils and was instructed “on the fly” as to how to perform the surgery. My intentions might have been good, but I would have had neither the experience, knowledge nor desire to perform intricate surgery on a patient.

I regret the mistakes I've made, and come before the world to express my deepest regrets for thinking I was capable of running this great country. I hope you will forgive me – as my intentions were good and I did try my best – but I am clearly not up to the task of being President of the United States.

I therefore I will resign Presidency effective noon tomorrow. Regrettably, I have to turn power over to Dick Cheney, whom I trusted to advise me but turned out to be dishonest, manipulative and a primary architect of my dismal foreign policy.
I'll end this public statement by saying: "America forgive me, for I knew not what to do."

Thank you.
 
 

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